What is expat child syndrome? The families’ guide to overcoming the challenges of a move abroad

Moving abroad is an exciting time. Whether you’ve chosen to swap countries because of a work opportunity, a lifestyle change or to live closer to friends and family, it’s a chance for you all to try someplace new. As an adult, you’re likely aware of the benefits that the move will offer you, which is why you’ve chosen to go ahead with it. However, your children may not have been actively involved in the decision making, which can make it hard for them to adjust to this big change. Even if they’re excited about the move, the reality of living in another country, away from their friends and the culture they’ve known, can still be challenging.

In this guide, we discuss expat child syndrome (ECS): what it is, why moving abroad can be difficult for children, and what you can do to help if your child is struggling.

What is expat child syndrome?

Expat child syndrome (ECS) refers to the emotional stress that children can feel when moving to a different country (which isn’t the one they grew up in). Most commonly, these children will have moved as a result of one or both of their parents pursuing a career opportunity, either temporarily or permanently, although this isn’t always the case, as families move for all sorts of reasons.

An expat typically has an intention to return to their home country or move to another at some point, rather than settling there permanently.

What does the term “third culture kids” mean?

Third culture kids (TCK) is a term created by sociologist Ruth Hill Useem. It refers to children who have spent their formative years immersed in a different culture to the one that either of their parents belong to, as a result of living abroad. Despite the name, this doesn’t actually need to be restricted to three cultures – if families move around several times, such as military families, a child could be linked to multiple places. These children struggle to feel at home in either of their parents’ cultures, instead feeling more settled in the third culture they’ve grown up in.

The challenges of moving abroad for children

Moving abroad is often essential for you or your spouse’s career, but children have to move by default, as they’re minors. While there are absolutely some benefits to living abroad – language skills, resilience, intercultural communication to name a few – it can be hard on children to leave their home. Let’s explore some of the reasons why in more detail.

Homesickness

First and foremost, many children will simply just miss their home. They’ll have to leave friends and family behind, their school, as well as their house and bedroom where they feel safe and settled. You’re asking them to enter a culture they don’t yet belong to and may not know much about, and put themselves out there to start up their social network and support system again.

Even little things such as not being able to get their favourite food can be unsettling for children. They may find it exciting at first, but once the novelty wears off and it stops feeling like a holiday, this is where homesickness can begin.

Cultural adjustments

Every culture has its own nuances. Some of these can be researched and discovered as a visitor, and others will only be found when you’re living there. For example, you would be able to find out etiquette for visiting religious sites online, but you’re unlikely to find the unspoken cultural rules for hosting a child’s party or attending one. This can be hard for kids as they may feel different to everyone else in their class, and embarrassed when a rule is accidentally broken.

If the culture you’re moving to is very different to your own, there may be a lot to learn. Rather than seeing it as a fun challenge, when kids are already overwhelmed by the move, they may just feel unable to join in for fear of doing something wrong.

Difficulty of making new friends

Unless you’re moving abroad when your child is really young, then the chances are that they’ll miss their friends when you move to a new country. Children between the ages of 10 and 15 are particularly impacted by ECS, as they’re entering adolescence and rely on their support network of friends to help them process their feelings and find their place in the world.

Especially for introverted children, it can be hard to try and make friends in a school class of kids who have likely grown up together. This is only amplified if there’s a language barrier. Hormonal changes can also make it harder to make friends, as children become more self-conscious and aware of what they perceive others to think about them. All in all, this can leave expat children feeling lonely and left out.

Pressure to perform

If you’re moving for a job, you may be invited to a series of social events to help you adjust, which you can bring your family too. You may also invite your colleagues or people you meet and want to make friends with to your house. All of this is good for helping you settle in and create a community, but it can be challenging for your children to always feel on display and have to answer questions from a series of adults they don’t know.

If this cuts into their time calling their friends back home or enjoying their own hobbies, they can quickly feel resentful towards you – it’s a delicate balance between helping them branch out socially and letting them have the freedom to make their own choices about how they spend their time.

Lack of attention from parents

There’s a lot for you to organise before and after you arrive in a new country, and it’s bound to be overwhelming for you too. You’ll potentially have the support of a partner to turn to, whereas your children won’t, especially if they’re an only child or if there’s a big age gap between siblings. This can mean they feel like they’re not getting as much attention from you as normal.

Mother working at a desk while two children are playing behind her on a sofa

What are the signs that your child might be experiencing expat child syndrome?

There’s no official diagnostic criteria for ECS. However, signs that something might not be quite right include:

Being withdrawn

Your child may be withdrawing into themselves, uninterested in family life or the world around them. They may want to spend more time than usual on their own.

Irregular mood changes

You’ll have grown to expect a certain level of mood change from your children – being grouchy when they’re tired or hungry, for example – but if your child is suffering from ECS, their mood pattern may be unusual to you. For example, they may burst into tears over a minor issue, or get angry for seemingly no reason.

Disruptive behaviour

You may find that your usually calm and well-behaved child starts to become disruptive at home or at school.

Sleeping or eating issues

Bed-wetting, nightmares or any eating issues could be indicators that your child isn’t feeling settled and safe.

Lack of interest in joining in

Your child may not want to join in with activities you’re doing as a family, or try new things by themselves. They may stop talking about what they’ve done in their day and won’t mention any new friends.

Objection to going to school or clubs

It’s natural for there to be some reluctance when your child starts a new school or club, but continued resistance or a sudden change when they seem to have been enjoying it previously could be a flag that something isn’t quite right.

Reluctance to be away from family

Equally, your child may go the other direction from being withdrawn and cling to you more than usual. Again, this is natural at the start of your expat journey, but if they seem unable to regain their independence, this can be cause for concern.

As a parent, you’ll know your child best, and what behaviour is or isn’t unusual. By knowing their baseline, you can compare any behavioural changes to this, and determine whether they’re cause for concern.

What long-term impact does being an expat child have?

The challenges

Research by Truman, Sharar and Pompe suggests that expat children are more likely to suffer from mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression, because expats are under intense stress thanks to the high demand for adjustment. Remember, this isn’t always the case – many children who have moved internationally can be happy and healthy, they may just struggle to settle at first. It is important to notice any symptoms your child has that don’t seem right, and support them through this transitional stage. You’re already doing the right thing by reading this guide.

The benefits

It might feel concerning to read about ECS, but remember that there are benefits for your child despite the challenges. Expat children may have the benefit of being multilingual, which in an increasingly globalised world, can only be a positive once they enter the workplace. Various studies have found that bilingual children often perform better at tasks involving planning and organising. They’ll also have a better understanding of the world around them, learning how to respect other people’s cultures and work in an international environment. Plus, they’ll get adept at making new friends, and entering new situations, increasing their resilience and people skills. You may even find that this time brings you closer as a family, as you navigate this new experience together.

How can you help your child settle into their new home abroad?

It’s important to note that ECS isn’t necessarily the outcome for all children – being an expat can be a positive and exciting experience, as long as this big life change is recognised and managed well.

However, if you start to notice that your child might be struggling, then it’s important to take action right away. You can even bring these tips into your routine ahead of time, as a preventative way to tackle any potential ECS issues.

Lets discuss the steps you can take to help your child make the transition to their new home.

Talk to them – and listen properly

Recognising that this move – while positive – can be challenging, is a good first step in helping your child. You might be excited about the opportunities living abroad offers you, but that’s not necessarily true for everyone in your family – as hard as it sounds, they’re dealing with leaving their friends and family because of something you, as the parent, want.

Encouraging your child to tell you how they’re feeling using open questions and properly listening to them can go a long way in making them feel heard and supported. Even if you don’t agree with them, their thoughts are valid – they’re allowed to feel how they feel. If you start telling them that you think they’re being unfair, they’re unlikely to open up to you again.

However, it’s important to help them see the positive sides of this new experience as well. Asking questions such as “what’s one thing you enjoyed today?” or “what’s one thing you’d like to do this weekend?” can give them something positive to think about.

Try and make time regularly to check in with your child in a way that works for them, whether that’s chatting to them on a walk, or over dinner. The important thing is they feel they have your attention, and a space to talk.

Help them find new social experiences

When we feel connected to the area and community around us, we feel more settled – the place stops feeling like a holiday destination and more like a home. Your child needs to find clubs and activities that they enjoy, and where they can connect with other children who have similar interests. This can help reduce loneliness as well as creating a sense of normality and routine.

If your child has already attended some clubs back in your home country, then finding the equivalent in your new home is a good place to start. They’ll already have the skills and a base level of knowledge, so they won’t feel so out of place. Sports can often be a good choice, as they rely less on language, which may be a barrier when you first move. Your child’s school or parent groups online can be a good way to find information about what’s available in your local area.

Give them freedom where you can

When you move, it can be natural to bring in your boundaries and reduce your tolerance on things like your teen going to town with friends, or going out to a party. However, try to give your teenager freedom where it’s appropriate to do so. While it’s important to be mindful of their safety, they’re unlikely to feel happy when restricted, and it’s also good for them to find their feet and independence in a new place.

For younger children, be open to your child meeting up with school friends at the park or having them back to your house after school. It might feel nerve wracking to let them go out when you’ve had little interaction with the child’s parents – and you should always be confident they’re safe – but your child asking to meet up with peers is a good sign they’re settling in.

Overall, no matter how old your child is, understanding the norm in the country you’re living in can be crucial for determining how to tackle creating new boundaries. If it’s common for children to be allowed to play on their own, for example, then it’s more likely to be safe for your children to do the same.

Read up on local traditions so they don’t feel left out

In many places, cultural festivals and traditions are a huge part of the community. Making unintentional errors can be embarrassing for your child, so read up on some of the major cultural etiquette and study it as a family before you travel, so that you all feel more prepared. It’s not about being perfect, but about being aware of what may or may not be sensitive.

Even small things like the cultural norms for school events can be good to know – should your child bring anything? Are the parents expected to attend too? Will your child be expected to be involved in any activities that they’ll need equipment for? The school can be a good source of information, but befriending other parents and being comfortable with asking them is also a good tactic. Your colleagues or HR in your new workplace may also be able to help by sharing their own experiences.

Make time for exploring your new home together

When you move, there will be a big focus on getting your new house sorted, kids enrolled in school and your new job. However, it’s important to remember to incorporate some fun downtime into your schedule too. Depending on the age of your child, they may not be able to explore the local area on their own, but they also may not be confident enough to do so – or want to.

Spending this time together as a family can help you feel more settled in your new location. Why not take it in turns to choose a place to go each weekend? You could even make a list and tick things off as you go, taking a photo at each place to mark the memory.

Family with two young kids riding their bikes on a woodland path

Involve them in your choices where possible

One of the difficulties of being a child is feeling like you’re at the mercy of your parents’ choices. While you might have spoken to your children about their thoughts on moving abroad, the reality is that you, as the adult, are likely the one who made the final decision. This can be particularly tricky for kids to come to terms with when they’re struggling to settle in and feel like it’s your fault.

So, as much as you can, before and after the move, try to involve them in the decision-making process. What this looks like will be dependent on their age and maturity level – it could be as simple as what type of decor they’d like for their new bedroom, or something bigger like where they want to go to school, if there are several options. Involving them will show them you respect their opinions, and that you’re all in this experience together.

Mother talking to her daughter on a bed with a laptop